A few days ago I noticed I had a lot of dead skin on my lips. Apparently lip scrubs fix this. I've used a lot of lip scrubs in the past, most homemade from raw molasses sugar and coconut oil. But we're all out of the molasses sugar now, so I needed to try something else.
I opened the drawer and took out a bucket of white sugar, then just put it on my lips and started rubbing them together.
After five minutes or so it did begin to hurt. It felt like my face was getting ripped off. BY SUGAR. No wonder I'm going out of town to a distant medical centre to see if I'm insane, because normal people don't attempt to rip their face off with white sugar they found amongst the baking ingredients. True story.
I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My lips were COVERED with white sugar. It did plump very well, but I wasn't focused on that. I ran the water and splashed it on my face.
But did you know that white sugar is like sticky, sweet concrete when it's wet? Because I didn't know that.
So there I was. In front of the mirror. My face was covered with sticky sugar that wouldn't get off, and also kind of feeling sunburnt and cut. But it didn't look injured.
Also, white sugar was in the sink. It's probably the weirdest thing to have in your sink, but I think brown sugar would be weirder. A stack of pancakes would be... nice? I would prefer random pancakes appearing in my sink to sugar.
Also, I am trying to wiggle my teeth because I think they'll be loose for some reason. Why? I have no idea, but my thumb formed this red, wrinkly, sausage-like sunburn. The medical centre might be more likely to choose heavy-duty restraints if they find out I'm getting saus sunburns from my own teeth.
But what I wanted to tell you about today.
I was having this awesome dream. I was mountain biking through Arizona and Portugal and Mexico and there was this nice Middle Eastern shop that smelled super good. There was tea and crafts there and stuff. Then I noticed this shelf of colourful stone earrings. They were in bright rainbow colours with pretty symbols on them. I looked at the price.
SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR A PAIR OF EARRINGS. And they weren't even made from diamond. They were made from resin, on stone, or something. They're like those $30 earrings that my friend's mom makes. EVERYONE wears them. They're handcrafted from leather and shaped into feathers and they're all dangly and move around whenever you nod. Only the rich people could afford them, but they somehow got super trendy in my town.
So I'm looking at these earrings, and then my mom walks into my room and is like, "There are auroras." And then I wake up, confused, my mouth super dry. I'm craving a hot chocolate. There's no milk.
She helps me out of bed. My eyes are barely open and I still want hot chocolate. We walk outside. It's freezing. I look up, and there are some white auroras. Suddenly, the auroras turn pink. And then they spike into the center of the sky, getting brighter.
The biggest solar storm in 20 years has come to Earth. And the Auroras are everywhere.
We went inside. I looked behind me once more. The auroras were gone.
When we went inside, Dad mentioned the solar storm and his computer. I was half-asleep, and I didn't really want to hear about it. That roast beef last night was too salty.
Mom got on her iPad and started looking at this website. She mentioned that they had one of those beneficial red light therapy masks, red light therapy blankets, radiation-proof pillowcases and blankets, $200 sunglasses, and computer pads. I guess it was like one of those fancy, expensive websites that sponsor podcasters like Joe Rogan and Ky Dickens?
Then she mentioned that they had a real tinfoil hat that protected you from internet and solar storms.
MY PARENTS ARE BUYING AN EXPENSIVE TINFOIL HAT FROM A WEBSITE THAT SPONSORS JOE ROGAN BECAUSE THEY'RE SCARED OF INTERNET AURORAS.
Honestly, that's weird.
And suddenly I remembered that we never travel, and so I must build a simulator. I imagined my cousins' pictures of when they went to Hawaii. It looked AI Generated, too perfect, to good to be true. The water was turquoise. The stars were out. Dark red, exotic flowers grew in an archway. Palm trees fluttered in the gentle breeze.
Well, first of all, I need sand for the Beach Simulator. I need a sandbox. For the water, just build a swimming pool next to the sandbox. Stars? Put an umbrella with stars on it above you. Flowers? Pick some and dangle them from the umbrella. And add some of those inflatable plastic palm trees for realism. Also, dye the water turquoise. Honestly, the Beach Simulator is the greatest idea for people who can't travel because they live on a rock at the end of the earth.
I have weird ideas when I'm half asleep.
P.S. I Googled pictures of Hawaii at night and this Instagram post came up:
You're welcome.
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