Stop Freaking Out Because I Can't Do Anything Right

PEOPLE THINK I'M A CRAZY 13-DOLLAR EUGENE TOOMS BECAUSE I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AT ALL. 

Sorry, I felt like I should put that there. Why? Because it summarizes my entire day. Let me explain. 

A family member, my uncle, was flying into town and we were picking him up. 

As soon as I arrived at the airport, I knew I had overdressed. My coat weighed in at 6 pounds, my snow pants probably more, and I couldn't even take a step without being assaulted by the noise of rough fabric rubbing together that tends to grab people's attention. 

I heard someone talking in a different room, and yeah, the person I mildly expected to see here was there, petting the airport dog, Peaches. She told Peaches to go see me, then put her sunglasses down and went on her phone. I petted the dog, trying to look like a normal person, but I didn't because I had obviously overdressed. So I just gave up, sat down, and waited. 

Then the plane came in. I saw it and started... laughing. 

I was laughing so hard people were beginning to look at me weirdly or giggle or even walk over and stare at me.

A woman walked up next to me and stared. But this plane was funny for reasons I didn't know. It was better than Seinfeld. 

And then I told her randomly, "Seinfeld needs more planes, right?!!" And she was like, "Uhhh..." and I was like, "Because they're so funny?" and she was like, "You know what? I think I need to, uh, look at flight schedules." 

The woman walked away and I just sat down and tried to look normal. My uncle walked in. We left the airport. 

We stopped at Co-op to buy chicken wings. I went to the library to see if I had anything in. Then I walked down the meat aisle, but I didn't see my uncle or my dad, so I walked into the cleaning aisle because I thought I saw someone I knew. 

And yeah, it was. A family friend I called Wonkydonkey. She grabbed me in her usual rib-crushing hug and squealed, and I was like, "DUDE. THIS IS A STORE," but she wasn't listening. And then her husband appeared next to me and just grunted his usual, "Hmm," as I desperately tried to escape.  

My dad walked down the aisle and was like, "This is a store." 

I finally managed to get free and she was like, "HOW ABOUT AN ADDITIONAL NEW YEAR'S HUG?" and I was all, "IT'S NOT EVEN NEW YEAR'S ANYMORE," so I just paid for my protein bar instead. 

I told her that I thought airplanes were hilarious. She walked away and was like, "You're crazy," and I yelled, "DUDE, YOU DON'T NEED TO RUB IT IN...!" 

We drove to the supermarket. The moment I walked inside I was afraid. 

Then I noticed one of those women's magazines. 

They REALLY infuriate me because all they're about is losing weight, going on diets, losing weight, and losing weight. THAT'S NOT WHAT WOMEN DO ALL DAY, YOU DUMB MAGAZINES. I started scolding the magazines for being so inaccurate, until Dad stomped up to me and told me I was being rude, which was extremely confusing. Like, ARE YOU MAD AT ME FOR YELLING AT A DANG MAGAZINE, DAD?!!!! That's kind of what this whole day was like. Getting in trouble for yelling at magazines, etc. 

Then Dad stomped over to his best friend after he'd yelled at me in public, and I was afraid he'd tattle, so I ran down an aisle and hid in a shelf. 

Let me explain. 

They've been rearranging everything in the supermarket lately, so a lot of shelves are empty. One aisle has good hiding shelves, and best of all, you could hide behind the Gatorade. So, I crawled through the shelf and went for it. The Gatorade was in front of the shelves. 

It felt like it took an hour to crawl through. But it was only five minutes. An old woman was in the aisle, right next to me, but she didn't notice. Then Dad came up and said something to me. How had he found me? Then the old woman thought he was insane because it sounded like he was talking to himself. 

Then I hid behind the Canada Dry boxes in the soda stacks. My uncle came right up to me but didn't notice, so I made a movie-worthy move. 

"Buying some soda?" I asked. 

He turned around. 

"Ahhahahahahahhahahahahahaahaahahahahahaha! Didn't see you there! How did you know?"

"I just knew." I said, acting normal. Then I ran all the way to the other side of the supermarket, and ducked behind the dried fruit boxes in the produce section. 

No one noticed me. People walked by didn't notice. I stayed, crouching there, out of sight behind a cart of banana boxes, and then I stood up. There was a woman RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. She was restocking the produce and was so shocked she jumped a foot in the air. 

I ran away and laid in the snack shelves. 

Three milliseconds later, a girl with very long hair exclaimed, "Oh!" and ducked down. She was breathing directly in my face and smiling. My heart stopped. I was so scared, but I couldn't run. 

"Mmm, thirteen dollars," she continued, noting a price tag directly below me I hadn't seen before. "Seems like a good deal. 

 

And then my brain was like, "RUN. SERIAL KILLER." So I just sighed, got up, and stormed away. 

After this day, I realize how terribly insane I am. The entire community has realized this. They yell at me for it, and laugh at me for it, and there isn't much I can do. 

At this point, going into public is surviving.